BLESS THIS HOUSE
Ok. Let’s set the scene: after an overwhelming ordeal (death, divorce, a mental health crisis, or all three) you step foot into your dream home. A well below market value house in the woods or perhaps a Goldilocks sized rent controlled apartment in the middle of a bustling city. You’re in a place where you can heal and breathe freely without any distractions.
And the new digs are perfection. Well, other than the creaks and groans in the middle of the night. And that rotten smell, maybe you should check the fridge and throw away the old takeout. And what’s with the weird cold spots, you should also get that heater serviced. But, you take it all in stride because this is your home now, you can’t leave.And why would you, especially with the housing market the way it is. So you stay.
And after the walls start bleeding, items levitate and you catch FAR too much movement out of the corner of your eye, you run like hell. Only - the doors are locked, the windows nailed shut and you ain’t got no cell service.
Whether it be a residual, intelligent, demon, poltergeist or cursed object haunting…hauntings suck.
SO, if you are already haunted, there are many tried and true failed tips for combatting a haunting that we can pick up from the most knowledgeable of historical texts: THE MOVIE SCRIPT.
Here are my:
TOP TEN MOVIE TIPS & TRICKS TO SURVIVE A HAUNTING
1. Get you a nice house cleaner like the incomparable Zelda Rubinstein from Poltergeist (we use her real name cuz RESPECT).
2. Have a priest bless the house as the Lutz’s do in The Amityville Horror. Actually, have a priest bless the pipes so ALL your water is holy (I don’t recall that being in a movie but I just had this epiphany and felt I should share).
3. Build a house that imprisons some of the worst ghosts in existence and with it, a mechanism that seals the house AND releases the ghosts. Great idea, Cyrus Kriticos of 13 Ghosts! Honorable mention to the high tech operation in Cabin in the Woods keeping the worst nightmare monsters like pets that can be let out with the push of a single red button.
4. Make sure to always have the following handy: your phone, digital or prosumer camera to document EVERYTHING as they do in Paranormal Activity.
5. Astral project into The Further, it’s only hella creepy, to rescue your loved one without bringing any entities back with you like Josh in Insidious.
6. Call any type of ghost busting, paranormal investigating team or duo to annoy said entity like in The Conjuring franchise!
7. Continually stare into the antique mirror that you suspect is responsible for the death of your parents. Kaylie nails this in Oculus.
8. Watch every single Super 8 snuff film from the attic that features the the pagan Babylonian god Bughuul. Once you start seeing ghosts, burn the projector and films and move. Easy peasy, that is, until they find you like Ellison Oswalt in Sinister.
9. Make sure to follow middle of the night vague ramblings of your fellow psychic through the mansion that loves to eat psychics, just ask Pam from Rose Red.
10. Just IGNORE IT a la Alex in Hell House LLC.
BUT, if you are lucky enough to not be haunted…yet, try to avoid these:
TOP 5 MISTAKES THAT WILL LIKELY LEAD TO A HAUNTING
1. Buying creepy haunted looking items at antique shops or local flea markets. Pick just about any episode of Friday the 13th: The Series.
2. Reading books bound in flesh and written in human blood out loud like in the Evil Dead franchise.
3. Falling for a place that is too good to be true because IT PROBABLY IS. Choose any one of the following: The Amityville Horror, American Horror Story S1 or Poltergeist.
4. Buy, play with or touch a Ouija board. Ouija, the millions of other Ouija themed movies, Witchboard & Witchboard 2.
5. Allowing an entity to possess a doll because it told you a super sad story and just wants to be your friend - actually, befriending ANY doll that moves and talks without batteries. See the Annabelle and Child’s Play franchises.
*This is for entertainment only, know that I am not an expert and you should consult your doctor, priest, state representative, or any other adults before embarking on dehauntification.
Here’s to hoping you have no static on your TV, your kitchen cabinets stay closed and you remain unpossessed. And for the love of all that’s haunted…BUY PHYSICAL MEDIA!!
The Deemogorgon